Understanding Betrayals in Marriage: A Synthesized Model of Forgiveness
Abstract
Forgiveness is an issue that is problematic for many couples, particularly those in marital therapy. However, little attention has been paid to this construct in the psychological literature. The purpose of this article is to describe a synthesized model of forgiveness using constructs from multiple theories, including forgiveness, trauma recovery, cognitive-behavioral, family systems, and insight-oriented theories. Forgiveness is conceptualized as a process consisting of three stages, each of which has cognitive, behavioral, and affective components. Furthermore, these stages seem to parallel a person's natural response to traumatic stress. First, there is a response to the initial impact; second, there is an attempt to give the event some kind of meaning, or put it into context; and finally, the person begins to move forward and readjust. Forgiveness is conceptualized as attaining: (a) a realistic, nondistorted, balanced view of the relationship; (b) a release from being controlled by negative affect toward the participating partner; and (c) a lessened desire to punish the participating partner. Implications for marital therapy also are discussed.
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Therapists often fail to utilise forgiveness in treatment.
“Despite the significance of forgiveness in close relationships and the recognition of its clinical usefulness, therapists often fail to utilise forgiveness in treatment (Butler et al., 2002;Gordon and Baucom, 1998).”
From Facilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: an interpersonal model (2013) · cites this paper as Gordon and Baucom, 1998
Forgiveness is an interaction between the forgiving person, the offending person, and the relationship between them.
“We agree with Gordon and Baucom (1998) that forgiveness is an interaction between the forgiving person, the offending person, and the relationship between them.”
From Facilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: an interpersonal model (2013) · cites this paper as Gordon and Baucom, 1998
Apologies help soothe the wounds caused by infidelity, increase trust, and resolve power imbalances by establishing a sense of safety and control in the injured spouse.
“Specifically, apologies help soothe the wounds caused by infidelity, increase trust and resolve the power imbalances resulting from infidelity by establishing a sense of safety and control in the injured spouse (Fitness, 2001;Gordon and Baucom, 1998).”
From Facilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: an interpersonal model (2013) · cites this paper as Gordon and Baucom, 1998
When betrayed partners sense that the other is truly sorry, they may feel safe to forgive, believing it is less likely for a remorseful spouse to engage in another affair.
“When they sense this, injured partners may feel safe to forgive, believing it is less likely for a remorseful spouse to engage in another affair (Gordon and Baucom, 1998).”
From Facilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: an interpersonal model (2013) · cites this paper as Gordon and Baucom, 1998
Cites
The cognitive and emotive uses of forgiveness in the treatment of anger.
Fitzgibbons, R. P. (1986) · Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training · doi:10.1037/h0085667 · Cited by 268 · see citing works
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Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006) · Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology · doi:10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055 · Cited by 264 · see citing works
An Integrative Intervention for Promoting Recovery From Extramarital Affairs
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004) · Journal of Marital and Family Therapy · doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01235.x · Cited by 253 · see citing works
Self-citationFacilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: an interpersonal model
Fife, S. T., Weeks, G. R., & Stellberg‐Filbert, J. (2013) · Journal of Family Therapy · doi:10.1111/j.1467-6427.2011.00561.x · Cited by 93 · see citing works
The aftershocks of infidelity: a review of infidelity-based attachment trauma
Warach, B., & Josephs, L. (2021) · Sexual and Relationship Therapy · doi:10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961 · Cited by 73 · see citing works
An Integrative Approach to Treating Infidelity
Snyder, D. K., Baucom, D. H., & Gordon, K. C. (2008) · The Family Journal · doi:10.1177/1066480708323200 · Cited by 64 · see citing works
Self-citationInfidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy
Marín, R. A., Christensen, A., & Atkins, D. C. (2014) · Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice · doi:10.1037/cfp0000012 · Cited by 55 · see citing works
The Traumatic Nature of Disclosure for Wives of Sexual Addicts
Steffens, B. A., & Rennie, R. L. (2006) · Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity · doi:10.1080/10720160600870802 · Cited by 53 · see citing works
Post‐traumatic stress and psychological health following infidelity in unmarried young adults
Roos, L. G., O'Connor, V., Canevello, A., & Bennett, J. M. (2019) · Stress and Health · doi:10.1002/smi.2880 · Cited by 49 · see citing works
Posttraumatic Growth in Relationally Betrayed Women
Laaser, D., Putney, H. L., Bundick, M., Delmonico, D. L., & Griffin, E. J. (2017) · Journal of Marital and Family Therapy · doi:10.1111/jmft.12211 · Cited by 25 · see citing works
- Authors
- GORDON, K. C., & BAUCOM, D. H.
- Affiliations
- Brown University (US)
- University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (US)
- Corresponding author
- GORDON, KRISTINA COOP
- Venue
- Family Process
- Publisher
- Wiley
- Published
- 1998-12
- Volume
- 37
- Issue
- 4
- Pages
- 425-449
- ISSN
- 0014-7370 (ISSN-L)
- 1545-5300
- OpenAlex
- W2038019636
- Cited by
- 186
- References
- 1
- Citations by year
- 2026: 3 · 2025: 2 · 2024: 4 · 2023: 4 · 2022: 8 · 2021: 11 · 2020: 5 · 2019: 14 · 2018: 8 · 2017: 12 · 2016: 5 · 2015: 11 · 2014: 13 · 2013: 3 · 2012: 6
- FWCI
- 0.62
- Type
- journal article
- Language
- en
- Open access
- closed
- Locations
- Family Process (publishedVersion)
- PubMed (publishedVersion)
- Topics
- Social Sciences › Psychology › Social Psychology › Forgiveness and Related Behaviors
- Social Sciences › Psychology › Clinical Psychology › Grief, Bereavement, and Mental Health
- Social Sciences › Psychology › Clinical Psychology › Psychotherapy Techniques and Applications
- Keywords
- forgiveness, adultery, couple therapy, trauma recovery, cognitive-behavioral theory, family systems theory, insight therapy, negative affect, punishment, relationship adjustment
- MeSH terms
- Adaptation, Psychological, Extramarital Relations, Female, Humans, Internal-External Control, Male, Marital Therapy, Marriage, Self Efficacy
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