Children's reactions to parental separation and divorce

Abstract

Separation and divorce are painful processes that disrupt the lives of Canadian families. A large body of research has mapped out the common reactions to divorce, and identified ways to ease this painful process. For the majority of children who experience the dissolution of their parents' marriage, the effects are modest and relatively short-lived (1). Within two years of a separation, the majority of parents regain their equilibrium, establish polite but distant communication with their ex-partner, and their children, in turn, adapt to the new living arrangements. Nevertheless, most children report painful feelings about their parents' divorce, and a significant minority of children suffer extended and prolonged symptomatology related to parental divorce that may include both internalizing and externalizing problems (2). Parental conflict before, during and after a divorce has harmful effects on children (1). However, there is a clear consensus among researchers and clinicians that the child's best interests are served by maintaining a relationship with both parents, except in cases of severe marital conflict and abuse (2). Unfortunately, many fathers who face a bitter relationship with their former partner simply drop out of their children's lives. If that happens, children may suffer the double disadvantages of the psychological loss of a parent, and the loss of financial support. A key challenge that faces divorcing parents is, therefore, how to establish a new co-parental relationship with a former marital partner. Experts advise parents to set aside their own negative feelings, and develop a collaborative and cooperative business-type relationship with the person who they may consider to be the source of great personal distress. In recent years, there has been growing recognition of the benefits for children and parents of alternatives to the adversarial legal system in the resolution of disputes about shared parenting after divorce; alternatives include mediation and assessment services (3). Valuable information regarding mediation services is available from Family Mediation Canada*. Parents often seek the advice of health care professionals about the timing of their divorce, and wonder whether there is an age at which children are immune to the negative effects of parental separation. Children of all ages are sensitive to parental divorce; their reactions are expressed in ways consistent with their developmental stage (2). Moreover, children are sensitive to all parental conflict, including suppressed, polite hostility (4). Parents should be reassured by the research finding that children are also sensitive to the resolution of conflict. Even very young children are aware that a dispute has been resolved. Furthermore, if children have the opportunity to witness the resolution of problems, they also benefit by learning important problem-solving skills. Consequently, the parents' dilemma is not the timing of the divorce, but how to resolve conflict with their partner whether they stay together or separate. Mental health professionals play an important role in helping parents develop a new co-parental relationship. Parents must learn to establish new boundaries between themselves and the person with whom they were intimate. They must develop effective communication and problem-solving skills. Children who have experienced their parents' divorce display a range of emotional and behavioural reactions in the months following the event. Following their parents' separation, children may regress, display anxiety and depressive symptoms, appear more irritable, demanding and noncompliant, and experience problems in social relationships and school performance (5). Parents often feel troubled by and unprepared for their children's reactions to a separation and divorce. Children need to know that they are not responsible for the separation, that they are loved by both parents, and that their needs will be met. Children's expression of distress differs from that of adults. For example, compared with adults, children may be more open to communication through books, workbooks, stories, play and drawings (6). Parents must achieve a balance between acknowledging and accepting the expression of negative feelings on the one hand, and providing clear, consistent rules and structure on the other. After a separation, parents must decide about their children's living arrangements and parental roles. Joint physical custody occurs when both parents share parenting decisions, and the child lives not more than 60% and not less than 40% of the time with each parent. Joint legal custody occurs when both parents retain rights to make parenting decisions; however, the child may live primarily with one parent. Sole legal custody occurs when one parent loses parental rights to make decisions, but still has parental obligations to support the child financially. Sole legal custody may be appropriate if one parent has shown a gross ina