Selective Versus Unselective Romantic Desire: Not All Reciprocity Is Created Equal

Abstract

It is well established in non-romantic contexts that people tend to like individuals who like them (Kenny, 1994); in fact, such reciprocity of liking emerges even when individuals first meet for only a few minutes (Chapdelaine, Kenny, & LaFontana, 1994). Textbooks and common psychological lore frequently extend these findings to romantic liking, but the validity of this extension is unclear. There is indeed evidence that, when asked to recall a falling-in-love experience, individuals often report learning of another’s affection shortly before developing passionate feelings in return (Aron, Dutton, Aron, & Iverson, 1989). Nevertheless, such retrospections can be misleading. Moreover, the opposite hypothesis—that potential romantic partners who play “hard to get ” are desirable and individuals who demonstrate unconcealed romantic interest seem desperate and unappealing—is also likely (for discussion, see Walster, Walster, Piliavin, & Schmidt, 1973). One useful perspective on reciprocity derives from David Kenny’s Social Relations Model (Kenny, 1994; Kenny & Nasby, 1980). This model distinguishes between two independent components: Dyadic reciprocity, which refers to liking that is shared uniquely between two individuals, and generalized reciprocity, which refers to the tendency for people who generally